I woke up in a cold sweat, sometime around two o’clock in the morning, after having that repetitive dream of me looking at my friends and family, calling for help as I began to drown in a shark infested ocean… That’s when you called, and I cant lie, Hearing your voice put me in a state of comfort I hadn’t been in since the first few weeks of us sleeping in the same bed. I remember laying there as our foreheads touched, believing that you and I at that exact moment was the only important thing in my life, and it was. It really was.
Now we fast forward to a year later, and I’m put into an abyss by the sound of your voice. You take me places when you speak, smile, or when you love through your eyes. You did then and you do now. In a matter of seconds, I began to think of the time we shared, enjoying life as we made it, sitting around planning the future, listening to each other as no one else would. Damn I miss that, I need that, I feign for it still.
I must admit, I was never able to love another again like I loved you, and I swear sometimes it seems as if I died when our relationship ended. Damn, When I finally mature and understand things is when it’s too late, and now we are so far apart, and it’s been that way for so long, too long. Time away from you feels like a prison bid, and I lost count of the time served on the first day.
Your phone call freed me from a misery I could never admit of going through. I hear the concern in your voice, along with fear that I might answer with hostility, upset that you called. You probably think you’re bugging me, but no, I needed this more than my next breath or the following day. I hadn’t felt in so long, I don’t even know what it’s like to be emotional anymore unless I’m thinking of something that has to do with you.
No one but me and God knows how sorry I am for putting you through so much shit, calling you names and accusing you of things out of my own paranoia. I fucked up and ruined something good… no wait… That’s not true… I fucked up and ruined my future. Yeah, I swear we were supposed to grow old together. We had a love that I could feel in my bones, to the center of my brain and the core of my heart. It hurt me to had brought you so low to not wanting to look at me one last time for the last time. I killed us, our unborn children and our future. I failed, and damn I wish I could get a second chance, but im so scared to fail again.
I’m so scared to disappoint you. Understand that the pain I caused you came back to haunt me times two. Now I lay here more mature, but that’s only through pain and torture, now being able to relate to the pain I caused you. I wasn’t aware of how sharp my verbal swords were, I cut you deep, and you bled out for so long. I wish I could’ve healed those wounds instead of letting time do it. I’d like to try this once again and right all of those wrongs, but i’m so scared of fucking up and hurting you, even if it’s just once. I never want to hurt you again.
What If I do something stupid and I don’t even know it? What if we get into a fight and that one word causes you to breakdown again. I can’t allow myself to be the cause of that again, so I lay here on the other end, listening to you breathing.
My bottom lip quivering during the most important minute of my entire life, the crazy thing is that I didn’t know how important it was to me at that moment, but it was important. My response to you would change everything, and out of fear of hurting you again, I exhaled softly, swallowed my thoughts and fixed my lips to respond by saying…
“Why the fuck are you calling me?”
You hang up, crying, feeling like a fool for thinking that things would be better after a year of separation. You think I’m still that guy. I don’t even know if I am, and I can’t allow myself to get back into a relationship with you If I’m not sure if I am deserving of your love a second time. You deserve better than that. I really just want you to be happy. You don’t believe it.
I hang up.
I Love You.
Sorry if it’s a mess, I just had to get this out of my head as fast as I could, or… yeah.